I want to say, “F— this sh–” so badly.
Completely unrealistic and ungrateful move, I know.

Let me live in this nonexistent world.
Forget the responsibilities and priorities.
I suck at them anyway.

Well, that’s not a solution, is it?
I need motivation. Or panic.
Something to kick me to go.

“It’s never too late to be who you might have been.”-George Elliot.
Let’s try that. Take that first step. Come on, get your sh– together already.

Day 06- Favorite superhero and why

Growing up, I didn’t really have a favorite superhero. My first memory of the superhero type would have to be the Power Rangers. I loved that there were two girls on the team–the Yellow Ranger and Pink Ranger. Pink was my favorite, although I’m not entirely sure why. I chose to be her for my first time going trick-or-treating. We used to watch the show on TV and we even had a special birthday episode or movie on VHS. I can’t remember how many times we watched that tape..

So many years have passed, but I can remember and picture distinct scenes or memories from the show. We started with the Mighty Morphin’ series, then moved on to the series when they became Ninjas. I remember loving Tommy, the White Ranger, in that series. That was when the White and Pink Rangers were in love.

I eventually lost interest once the original cast started getting slowly replaced. They weren’t so cool anymore. I didn’t know who the new people were even though they had the same color uniforms. To me, the Power Rangers would always be Trini, Billy, Jason, Kimberly, Zack, and Tommy.

Why don’t you get it?
Why can’t you see that it’s hard for me?

It’s not an easy transition.
There’s so much to bag up and move away from.
I have to step away from the sappy memories.
Forget the future forecasts. Can’t relive the past tender moments.
Turn back from the drama and baggage. Let the hopes drift away.
I don’t have that you-and-me world that we created anymore.
I can’t hold you to those declarations you made like those knights in shining armors.
Everything happy is tinged with a tiny hint of sadness.
My heart tugs me back to you. But I can’t let it.

My mind raises the question of “Why not?”
Why can’t you fight this? Why can’t things be my way?
Why can’t those words you said to me way back when still hold true?
Why is letting things go the right thing to do?
Why can’t I move on like you do?
Why can’t you share some of this grief with me?
Why is it always me?

I hate how I feel like it’s my problem and not yours. Why am I having such a hard time letting go, but it’s so easy for you?
It seems like you virtually needed no time to process it and you’re off to the next thing. Was it that easy to move past?
You think very matter-of-factly, but even I expected you to react in some sort of way.  Perhaps I’m too stuck in the past..
You can talk to me like nothing happened while I get caught off guard and stumble right back into “the way things were”.
But things aren’t like that. I can’t think like that. I can’t expect things to be like that. Or else everything will hash up all over again.
There needs to be a semi-new start. A start on a different path. With a different outcome. A better outcome.

I doubt myself. I go back and forth. I want you to show that you feel bad too. That would mean that I meant as much to you as you did to me.
I would have some sort of proof that all of it mattered somehow to you. That those promising sweet sweet words were felt by you to the very last day. Do you remember what you told me about the toy car? How you really really wanted it, but eventually you left it alone and didn’t play with it anymore? You said you were afraid of making me feel like that toy car.  But you said that I was different from the toy car.

“I can never get used to you. I can never get bored of you. I can never leave you there to collect dust. I can never just play with you or hang out with you whenever I can spare a few moments. You aren’t a collectible. You aren’t a possession. Yeah, you’re MINE, but you’re not an object. As I said before, just imagining how I dealt with the car made me a little worried that I might end up treating you the same way. But I forgot to mention that once I began thinking about the things I just wrote, I realized how wrong I was in thinking that. Immediately, I smiled and felt giddy again. Why? Because I promise that now that I’ve got you, there will never be any neglect. You will never be there. Or there. Or there. You will only be here – four inches down and one inch to the left.”

I wonder if perhaps I shouldn’t hold onto words so indefinitely.. After all, this was said a long time ago. A lot has changed and happened since then. Maybe I just like feeling special and all of this is stemming from some narcissistic tendency inside me. Maybe it’s just a girl thing. Maybe I just set myself up for these things. I don’t even know where I’m getting at anymore.. I don’t think questions always warrant answers anyway. It’s over and done with, so I should just suck it up and go, huh? ::grumbles bitterly:: sigh

Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to

I’ve been away from familiar faces and places.
I’ve soared up above with the whitest and fluffiest clouds.
I’ve seen the brightest combinations of blues.
This place was simply a pathway to my final destination,
but the stillness and beauty of being up in the sky was incomparable.

I want to go somewhere that’s not here.
I’m so scattered. It’s hard for me to focus.
I need to get my act together. This semester is rocking me already.

I miss my brother being home.
It’s so quiet and less cheery.
I laugh so much more whenever he’s back.

I’m disappointed. I feel let down.
A bit overwhelmed, but I’m trying to keep it under control.
I just gotta breathe and take baby steps, right?

Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest. 13:28
“If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials.” (Bukhari Book 70, Volume 7, No 548)
Verily, along with every hardship is relief. 94:5

//Deep breathing; Heart easing

I hate this.

Not to be overdramatic, but there’s this sense of impending doom.
You know, that feeling when you’re about to fall–
Your stomach tightens and you brace yourself.
You hope for a soft landing or that you somehow gain your balance again.

I can’t control the fall, but
I’m creating a soft landing for myself.
Secure that stance at the end.
I’m going home, back to me.

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