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Take a chance and go with it.
Do what’s best for you.
No second guessing.
Decide and do.
Things will turn out good in the end.
No matter what, always will.
Come on, I know you can.
What are you waiting for?
No more waiting. Go ahead.

Just stop it. Shut up.
Stay somewhere. Stop moving back and forth.
You’re a fool. Stuck in the middle looking both ways.
You don’t like it there so get out.
Make up your mind and just stick with it.
Erase the gray and find the absolute.
Forget the multiples. Focus on one.
Can you do that? Well, you need to.

 

Ever wonder why there seems to be relapses when there’s a breakthrough?
I’m one of those people that has relapses.

I have that time where things are okay for a while,
then it’s like someone swapped my emotions for the complete opposite.
After that, I’ll make some progress or new realization and I’ll be OK.
Then I get thrown something else again.

Perhaps it’s normal to go through these motions before things are really OK..
Self realizations and inner peace aren’t the easiest things to come by..

I want to speak candidly about how I’m doing, but I’m afraid of that complete honesty with myself.
As if suppressing it will help me instead.

I feel like a teenager throughout this process.  I just don’t really know how to go about this.
I’m not exactly thinking logically; it just doesn’t work sometimes

I go in circles in my head and that leads me to go in circles with you.
Conflicting thoughts result in confusing actions.
I get confused in my interpretations and blur the lines of what’s ok and what’s not.

I miss you. I miss being her.
But I don’t miss the anxiety or the hurt.
This is better for the long run..
But I still have trouble reminding myself of that.
Sometimes I get it and I’m okay.
Other times, I don’t and I’m not okay.
I get confused. I don’t always get where you’re coming from.
I get thrown off and sometimes even mad.
Like why are you doing this? Why are you making it harder to move on?
But at the same time, that’s how I know I still matter.
You pay attention to me so I matter.
I still get this feeling of hope like there’ll be this big AHA moment
Things will just be good, things will change.
But I feel foolish thinking that because I know it won’t.
Whenever I run into old messages or letters, it feels like breaking up all over again.
I can’t get over this feeling of failure like where did it go wrong? What happened?
So I stick to trying to move on but all the while, I’m also trying to hold on.
That doesn’t work. It never will.
But I wonder of the right way to go about this.
To lessen the impact. To ease the relapses.

 

I’m tired of feeling resentment and getting disappointed. My expectations have already been lowered. Is it necessary to expect nothing and be ‘surprised’ by anything that you happen to do? Most of the time, things don’t happen. Honestly? I’ve don’t believe you when you say something. They don’t mean as much anymore. Instead, I feel this doubt and my reaction is “Yeah..we’ll see..” because I know better. I know to brace myself for the chance of it NOT happening even though I want and hope for it to. Intention matters. But when you say things aloud, the actions end up being what matters. I can’t see into your heart, but I can see what happens or doesn’t happen in real life. Circumstances come in the way, understandable. But I have to remind you or tell you that you’ve left me hanging. That’s not cool..not after so many previous conversations about the same thing. Do I focus in on certain times when I type this? Yes. Because there shouldn’t even be any more times for me to zone in on. All the talk about how things are normal, how things are good? Yeah, they are. On your end. You come and go as you please. You don’t care if you have to wait. You’re busy anyway. But guess what? Even friendship requires time.

I want to say, “F— this sh–” so badly.
Completely unrealistic and ungrateful move, I know.

Let me live in this nonexistent world.
Forget the responsibilities and priorities.
I suck at them anyway.

Well, that’s not a solution, is it?
I need motivation. Or panic.
Something to kick me to go.

“It’s never too late to be who you might have been.”-George Elliot.
Let’s try that. Take that first step. Come on, get your sh– together already.

Why don’t you get it?
Why can’t you see that it’s hard for me?

It’s not an easy transition.
There’s so much to bag up and move away from.
I have to step away from the sappy memories.
Forget the future forecasts. Can’t relive the past tender moments.
Turn back from the drama and baggage. Let the hopes drift away.
I don’t have that you-and-me world that we created anymore.
I can’t hold you to those declarations you made like those knights in shining armors.
Everything happy is tinged with a tiny hint of sadness.
My heart tugs me back to you. But I can’t let it.

My mind raises the question of “Why not?”
Why can’t you fight this? Why can’t things be my way?
Why can’t those words you said to me way back when still hold true?
Why is letting things go the right thing to do?
Why can’t I move on like you do?
Why can’t you share some of this grief with me?
Why is it always me?

I hate how I feel like it’s my problem and not yours. Why am I having such a hard time letting go, but it’s so easy for you?
It seems like you virtually needed no time to process it and you’re off to the next thing. Was it that easy to move past?
You think very matter-of-factly, but even I expected you to react in some sort of way.  Perhaps I’m too stuck in the past..
You can talk to me like nothing happened while I get caught off guard and stumble right back into “the way things were”.
But things aren’t like that. I can’t think like that. I can’t expect things to be like that. Or else everything will hash up all over again.
There needs to be a semi-new start. A start on a different path. With a different outcome. A better outcome.

I doubt myself. I go back and forth. I want you to show that you feel bad too. That would mean that I meant as much to you as you did to me.
I would have some sort of proof that all of it mattered somehow to you. That those promising sweet sweet words were felt by you to the very last day. Do you remember what you told me about the toy car? How you really really wanted it, but eventually you left it alone and didn’t play with it anymore? You said you were afraid of making me feel like that toy car.  But you said that I was different from the toy car.

“I can never get used to you. I can never get bored of you. I can never leave you there to collect dust. I can never just play with you or hang out with you whenever I can spare a few moments. You aren’t a collectible. You aren’t a possession. Yeah, you’re MINE, but you’re not an object. As I said before, just imagining how I dealt with the car made me a little worried that I might end up treating you the same way. But I forgot to mention that once I began thinking about the things I just wrote, I realized how wrong I was in thinking that. Immediately, I smiled and felt giddy again. Why? Because I promise that now that I’ve got you, there will never be any neglect. You will never be there. Or there. Or there. You will only be here – four inches down and one inch to the left.”

I wonder if perhaps I shouldn’t hold onto words so indefinitely.. After all, this was said a long time ago. A lot has changed and happened since then. Maybe I just like feeling special and all of this is stemming from some narcissistic tendency inside me. Maybe it’s just a girl thing. Maybe I just set myself up for these things. I don’t even know where I’m getting at anymore.. I don’t think questions always warrant answers anyway. It’s over and done with, so I should just suck it up and go, huh? ::grumbles bitterly:: sigh

I want to go somewhere that’s not here.
I’m so scattered. It’s hard for me to focus.
I need to get my act together. This semester is rocking me already.

I miss my brother being home.
It’s so quiet and less cheery.
I laugh so much more whenever he’s back.

I’m disappointed. I feel let down.
A bit overwhelmed, but I’m trying to keep it under control.
I just gotta breathe and take baby steps, right?

Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest. 13:28
“If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials.” (Bukhari Book 70, Volume 7, No 548)
Verily, along with every hardship is relief. 94:5

//Deep breathing; Heart easing

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