Ever wonder why there seems to be relapses when there’s a breakthrough?
I’m one of those people that has relapses.

I have that time where things are okay for a while,
then it’s like someone swapped my emotions for the complete opposite.
After that, I’ll make some progress or new realization and I’ll be OK.
Then I get thrown something else again.

Perhaps it’s normal to go through these motions before things are really OK..
Self realizations and inner peace aren’t the easiest things to come by..

I want to speak candidly about how I’m doing, but I’m afraid of that complete honesty with myself.
As if suppressing it will help me instead.

I feel like a teenager throughout this process.  I just don’t really know how to go about this.
I’m not exactly thinking logically; it just doesn’t work sometimes

I go in circles in my head and that leads me to go in circles with you.
Conflicting thoughts result in confusing actions.
I get confused in my interpretations and blur the lines of what’s ok and what’s not.

I miss you. I miss being her.
But I don’t miss the anxiety or the hurt.
This is better for the long run..
But I still have trouble reminding myself of that.
Sometimes I get it and I’m okay.
Other times, I don’t and I’m not okay.
I get confused. I don’t always get where you’re coming from.
I get thrown off and sometimes even mad.
Like why are you doing this? Why are you making it harder to move on?
But at the same time, that’s how I know I still matter.
You pay attention to me so I matter.
I still get this feeling of hope like there’ll be this big AHA moment
Things will just be good, things will change.
But I feel foolish thinking that because I know it won’t.
Whenever I run into old messages or letters, it feels like breaking up all over again.
I can’t get over this feeling of failure like where did it go wrong? What happened?
So I stick to trying to move on but all the while, I’m also trying to hold on.
That doesn’t work. It never will.
But I wonder of the right way to go about this.
To lessen the impact. To ease the relapses.

 

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