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Ever wonder why there seems to be relapses when there’s a breakthrough?
I’m one of those people that has relapses.

I have that time where things are okay for a while,
then it’s like someone swapped my emotions for the complete opposite.
After that, I’ll make some progress or new realization and I’ll be OK.
Then I get thrown something else again.

Perhaps it’s normal to go through these motions before things are really OK..
Self realizations and inner peace aren’t the easiest things to come by..

I want to speak candidly about how I’m doing, but I’m afraid of that complete honesty with myself.
As if suppressing it will help me instead.

I feel like a teenager throughout this process.  I just don’t really know how to go about this.
I’m not exactly thinking logically; it just doesn’t work sometimes

I go in circles in my head and that leads me to go in circles with you.
Conflicting thoughts result in confusing actions.
I get confused in my interpretations and blur the lines of what’s ok and what’s not.

I miss you. I miss being her.
But I don’t miss the anxiety or the hurt.
This is better for the long run..
But I still have trouble reminding myself of that.
Sometimes I get it and I’m okay.
Other times, I don’t and I’m not okay.
I get confused. I don’t always get where you’re coming from.
I get thrown off and sometimes even mad.
Like why are you doing this? Why are you making it harder to move on?
But at the same time, that’s how I know I still matter.
You pay attention to me so I matter.
I still get this feeling of hope like there’ll be this big AHA moment
Things will just be good, things will change.
But I feel foolish thinking that because I know it won’t.
Whenever I run into old messages or letters, it feels like breaking up all over again.
I can’t get over this feeling of failure like where did it go wrong? What happened?
So I stick to trying to move on but all the while, I’m also trying to hold on.
That doesn’t work. It never will.
But I wonder of the right way to go about this.
To lessen the impact. To ease the relapses.

 

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

The world around me has the biggest impact on me.
When I was younger, it was definitely my inner circle that had the biggest impact on me, but as I grow and learn, I reach out further than just what is around and familiar to me. I’ve attended lectures, performances, movie screenings, talks. I’ve read blogs, articles, stories, books from people. I’ve watched movies and shows. I’ve listened to interviews and people’s stories. Furthermore, there are so many things that impact me without my conscious knowledge, I think it’s only fair to include what I may not directly interact with. Everything is connected. Everything has an impact. Whether it is the world closest/most well-known to me or the world at large, my behaviors, thoughts, and beliefs are shaped by all of it.

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